Riding Against The Grain

Time is a Thief

One thing that I have come to terms with over the years is that as I grow older, so do my animals. I have had the pleasure of owning my heart horse for 11 years but during these 11 years I have also gone to nursing school and become a nurse. During these big milestones, I have missed out on my horse’s prime years. I don’t regret making my choices to go to school and bettering my future, but it does make me immensely sad that I was unable to live out the “what if’s.”

I want to talk about how I have given myself grace during this regret and guilt. Pictured above is my heart horse Joey. He is 21 now. He taught me everything I could ever know regarding the hunter/jumper world. He brought me up from the beginner division, all the way up to the 3’ division and prepped me to move onto the next horse so I could move onto the A circuit shows.
Without Joey, I would not be the rider I am today.

Anger

I used to get so angry at myself when I was in nursing school because I wasn’t able to go out and see Joey. I was in school 5 days a week and was only able to come home during weekends and then I was studying during the weekends as well. I had horrible test anxiety or I guess it was more school anxiety – I could barely leave my room. Anything that kept me from studying became way too stressful. Riding became a chore for me.
I started getting mad at myself for being cruel to Joey. I wasn’t going out to see him, I wasn’t riding him, I was wasting the time I had with him holed up in my room studying for school. I felt like when we would go to shows, I was doing him a disservice because I was so anxious that I wasn’t riding him appropriately.
I was angry all the time, people were constantly badgering me about riding more and more and the more that they were on my case about riding the less that I wanted to go out and see him. There was too much pressure.

Guilt

Eventually the anger turned into guilt. When I graduated nursing school and got my first job, I had more time for my equestrian life again. My desires for the showing life and for riding in general came back.
I realized at this time though, Joey was aging. He was 18 at the time and he was ready to start stepping down. I wasn’t quite ready to let go yet. We continued to do shows together though. We just did the lower divisions. He was happy and so was I, it just wasn’t sating my desire of what I needed.

Eventually, I realized, it was time for me to start looking for horses that could do more, jump higher, do bigger shows. My heart was shattering. I thought at the time we would be selling Joey. All the years that I spent away from him due to trying to make a future for myself felt like a waste because I didn’t spend enough time with my heart horse. I felt like I didn’t have enough time with him.
Still to this day, I’m not sure how, but we found an in barn lease that managed to keep Joey with me while I got to move up with my new horse Oberon.

Managing grief

Now that two years have passed since this has all occurred and I have been able to process things more appropriately, I am able to understand that all my emotions were warranted. Stress, anxiety, guilt and grief were all normal reactions to what was happening during this time.

If this is something that you happen to go through at some point in your life, I want to offer some tips for you.

1. It’s okay to be stressed

If you are in school or starting a new job, it is okay to be stressed out. You don’t need to be juggling a million and one different things all at one time. Feeling like you’re being pulled all in one direction is not fair to you or your mental space and is only going to create more chaos for yourself.

Take time to prioritize what needs to be done. If you have to, make a list. Find out what the most important things are and then check those things off first. Then you can perform your other things. You can’t enjoy the little things in life if you’re carrying the world on your shoulders.

2. Anger is normal

If you find yourself getting angry at yourself or the world, that is a very valid emotion as well. Most humans tend to feel that emotion first because it is easy! Anger is not a complex emotion to feel. The emotions underneath what is causing the anger is what is complex. Take some time to breathe and understand what is causing you to feel that anger. Are you feeling frustrated? Guilty? What is the root of your anger?

Once you understand your anger, you can better understand yourself.

3. Coping with grief

If you are selling your horse, or even leasing your horse out to someone because you’re moving up or because your future doesn’t align with your beloved horse anymore, know that they are going to be giving that little girl the same experiences, memories and love that they gave you. Remember all the good times that you had with your horse, remember all the joys, the love, the smiles, the kisses, and think about all the new love your horse is going to be getting from that new little girl.

4. No emotion is bad

Remember, nothing you are feeling is ever bad. Everyone experiences feelings and emotions and the person sitting next to you might experience them differently and that is okay. You can go through them how you choose to go through them, as long as you go through them in a healthy manner. Prioritize your wellbeing and mental state always. What is the most important part of your life? Stick to that step. Manage that, prioritize that. Everything else can come second.

My journey

Even though I still have my heart horse and my new horse, I still struggle with the emotions that I mentioned earlier. I still don’t ride Joey as often as I would like, I still don’t hang out with him as often as I would like. I’m still on borrowed time.

I’m managing my emotions with this situation as they come to me. I resonate with the guilt, I sit with it. I realize that it’s normal to feel guilty because he was my first horse to give me all the opportunities and love and I want to give him the same thing back even though he has a new girl riding him. I want to keep providing for him because he gave me endless amounts of love because that’s just what horses do. They are these creatures who give out loads and loads of love without wanting anything else in return, except maybe treats.

Ultimately, horses will always have an emotional tie to us that we’ll never fully be able to disconnect from because why should we? They give us their entire hearts and we simply expect them to do the craziest things. The bond we share with our horses is something non equestrians will never understand. The emotions we feel towards them and when they leave us are something only WE should get to decide how to feel. Give yourself grace.